Friday, February 20, 2009

Where are yah!?

Just called dad to check up on him. He's losing his mind again. I didn't even recognize his voice. Here's the convo:

Me - "Umm... Is Brian there?"

Dad - "Yeah - what?"

Me - "Dad? Its Josh."

Dad - "Where are you?!?!"

Me - "I'm at home?!"

Dad - "Yah ars! I thought were getting me a wheel chair?"

Me - "Hahaha! Dad - I'm at home!"

Dad - "I thought you were down the hall getting a wheel chair, though!"

Me - "Dad - what drugs are you on that your confused again?"

Dad - "So, whats your plan?"

Me - "Plan?"

Dad - "Yeah - when you coming in?"

Me - "First thing in the morning ok?"

Dad - "No"

Me - "You want breakfast?"

Dad - "No"

Me - "I can bring a fruit cup."

Dad - "Ok... well... we'll see... I'll call yah."

Me - "Alright, well I'll talk to you later."

Dad - "K..."

I was kind of amused... am I a jerk for finding stuff like that funny?

In reality though, I was hurting inside. Its seems like we're back to square one. And I'm not upset because he has my liver and I'm not afraid the transplant didn't work... I'm just so tired of seeing dad sick and tired. I just want this to be over.

My emotions may be a little amplified given some other life stresses at the moment. I may look back at these posts in a few months and regret feeling this way... I don't know...

In an ideal world, I'd love to know beyond a shadow of a doubt the my family in Ottawa are doing all they can for dad. That includes regular visits, keeping his spirits up, reminding him of the promises God has for his life, and, most importantly, keeping up with dad's medical condition. I'm convinced that no-one is paying attention to what the doctors are doing. At one point, the doctors in Ottawa reduced my dad's anit-rejection drugs by 50%. I'm sure they know what they are doing - but no one knows why they did it... and no one is asking questions. Is it so difficult?

I'd love to be the one who jumps in and saves the day... again. But frig - I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here. I can only handle so much of this. And I feel like I've already given so much. Man - I thought the transplant decision was heavy... this whole thing is way over my head.

Lord - restore my peace. Restore my faith. Be my rest.

You know what - the reality is is that God will take care of this situation. I have no idea why its going down like this. But I only get one shot at loving Dad. I only get one shot at this. And I'm not going to spend the rest of my life regretting that I was ridiculously selfish while my dad was dying... too selfish to care about how much anit-rejection drugs he's on... or how the cuts on his legs or his bed soars will be affected by his diabetes. I gotta find time to be the person I'm expecting everyone else to be. I don't want to - and maybe I shouldn't have to - but neither of those arguments will bring any peace if the unthinkable happens.

No regrets.

What did Jesus do when he was hanging on Earth? He served. He selfless gave himself every day for the poor, the sick, the hungry... and never complained. He found his strength in God the Father. Even when he had a perfect excuse not to serve (while he was dying on the cross), he still took time and ministered to both men on the crosses beside him.

I want to serve regardless of my circumstances.

God - I'm so weak. But that's awesome! Because your word says that in my weakness, you are strong! So make me weaker! Less of me and more of your strength!

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi there:
Susie here from Sault Ste. Marie. I hear and can relate to your weariness and feeling of sometimes wondering like what is really going on? I have been there...In 1998 I went through seven years of watching my dad struggle with cancer. He went throught three major operations with at one time over fifty percent of his liver being removed cause his cancer had spread there. He went through numerous rounds of chemo intertwined with operations for seven years to the point where he was over his head and had to cry out to the Lord. Through it all I talked to the Lord and he renewed my strength, not to say it was not easy and at times very very hard, but he gave me the gift of being able to walk beside my dad through it all. At the end he accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and he really did not like religion at all. God has a plan when what we think is a plan falls apart and through the hard times I know he will uplift you and retore you with an even greater knowledge of knowing he is in full control of things after your walk through this time. The Lord always gave me a passage that I would repeat out loud to myself. The first time I asked God how long was this going to take with my dad and that was at the beginning in 1998 and I got the verse about running the race with endurance and keeping our eyes on Jesus. He will not disappoint when all seems hopeless. He is hope where there is no hope. Read Hebrews 12. Will keep praying for your family. Keep talking to Jesus. He is listening and no matter how slow it seems to be going, this will pass. God's timing for everything is perfect.
May God strengthen and shine on you all. I know this sounds not right at all, but start singing to the Lord, if you are not already, right at the times when things are worst. I have found that when I worship God and the Lord no power of dread can overtake me, cause my spirit of sadness, weakness or of being overwhelmed seems to lift when I put my mind to worshipping the Lord by myself, privately with a song of thanksgiving and honour for carrying us all in the palm of his hand.
Susie Celetti

Deb said...

Josh

I agree with Susie. There have been times when I didn't see God working and things didn't make sense. In those times I have learned to worship God for His nature and character. God is good - He can be trusted to do what is just and right. In the dark times I also worship and hold onto the promises in scripture that God will care for my loved one. Ps. 121 tells us that our help comes from the Lord who never sleeps - He watches over us - and your dad - continually. Please be encouraged in God's love and faithfulness. I will continue to pray that God will heal your father, and renew and strengthen you, your father and your family.

Deb from the Sault

Steph and Kor said...

Bahhhhhh.

We really feel for you both. We're praying that your Dad gets healed with whatever it is he is fighting off and also that he is restored supernaturally. Discouragement is the worst-but we know that God is alllll over this situation and your Dads life.

We love you both.

Thinking of you and the fam.

xoxoxo
Steph and Kor

Adam said...

Praying for the situation bro..

Lord I pray for your angels to minister to Josh and his family.. I ask your healing power to heal physically and emotionally. Thank you for your power regardless of us deserving it.

- Adam

Anonymous said...

I am sending my love and prayers to Brian and his family. Brian deserves to feel like giving up as he is having so many difficult issues with his body. When we go deep into our feelings of despair we often come out with renewed strength. Allowing Brian to feel what he is feeling is what I believe he needs right now. Not to say don't give him encourgement but rather to give him permission to feel everything and support him by listening/hearing what he is feeling. When I was involved in pastoral care the hardest thing I had to learn was to listen rather than give all sorts of advice or false hope. Brian is where he is right now and needs time to work through his emotional distress. He needs to be heard and his feelings need to be acknowledged. He must be very frightened and lacking hope/desire to live. What he needs is loving kindness and compassion. I am meditating and praying for Brian. Does he need a healing circle around him. I am lighting a candle for Brian and this warm, bright light will surround him and protect him. Much Metta, Susan

Anonymous said...

I have had a liver transplant at tgh.Met your aunt at Patro Pool.Anything you need to know just
call me,613-241-5917.Had major rejection problems 4 months after transplant.Was taking 29 pills a day after the transplant.From what you have written your dad seems depressed.The pills and poor health
will do that.Been there done that.
Pictures look just like mine.

Pat Welch