Where are yah!?

Just called dad to check up on him. He's losing his mind again. I didn't even recognize his voice. Here's the convo:

Me - "Umm... Is Brian there?"

Dad - "Yeah - what?"

Me - "Dad? Its Josh."

Dad - "Where are you?!?!"

Me - "I'm at home?!"

Dad - "Yah ars! I thought were getting me a wheel chair?"

Me - "Hahaha! Dad - I'm at home!"

Dad - "I thought you were down the hall getting a wheel chair, though!"

Me - "Dad - what drugs are you on that your confused again?"

Dad - "So, whats your plan?"

Me - "Plan?"

Dad - "Yeah - when you coming in?"

Me - "First thing in the morning ok?"

Dad - "No"

Me - "You want breakfast?"

Dad - "No"

Me - "I can bring a fruit cup."

Dad - "Ok... well... we'll see... I'll call yah."

Me - "Alright, well I'll talk to you later."

Dad - "K..."

I was kind of amused... am I a jerk for finding stuff like that funny?

In reality though, I was hurting inside. Its seems like we're back to square one. And I'm not upset because he has my liver and I'm not afraid the transplant didn't work... I'm just so tired of seeing dad sick and tired. I just want this to be over.

My emotions may be a little amplified given some other life stresses at the moment. I may look back at these posts in a few months and regret feeling this way... I don't know...

In an ideal world, I'd love to know beyond a shadow of a doubt the my family in Ottawa are doing all they can for dad. That includes regular visits, keeping his spirits up, reminding him of the promises God has for his life, and, most importantly, keeping up with dad's medical condition. I'm convinced that no-one is paying attention to what the doctors are doing. At one point, the doctors in Ottawa reduced my dad's anit-rejection drugs by 50%. I'm sure they know what they are doing - but no one knows why they did it... and no one is asking questions. Is it so difficult?

I'd love to be the one who jumps in and saves the day... again. But frig - I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here. I can only handle so much of this. And I feel like I've already given so much. Man - I thought the transplant decision was heavy... this whole thing is way over my head.

Lord - restore my peace. Restore my faith. Be my rest.

You know what - the reality is is that God will take care of this situation. I have no idea why its going down like this. But I only get one shot at loving Dad. I only get one shot at this. And I'm not going to spend the rest of my life regretting that I was ridiculously selfish while my dad was dying... too selfish to care about how much anit-rejection drugs he's on... or how the cuts on his legs or his bed soars will be affected by his diabetes. I gotta find time to be the person I'm expecting everyone else to be. I don't want to - and maybe I shouldn't have to - but neither of those arguments will bring any peace if the unthinkable happens.

No regrets.

What did Jesus do when he was hanging on Earth? He served. He selfless gave himself every day for the poor, the sick, the hungry... and never complained. He found his strength in God the Father. Even when he had a perfect excuse not to serve (while he was dying on the cross), he still took time and ministered to both men on the crosses beside him.

I want to serve regardless of my circumstances.

God - I'm so weak. But that's awesome! Because your word says that in my weakness, you are strong! So make me weaker! Less of me and more of your strength!