Posts
I can't believe its here. It's actually here.
We had a good day today. We got a early start - went to breakfast with mom at 'Frans'. Then, we met dad at around 9:15am. He was in better spirits, but still pretty nervous. We got one last picture together before the operation.Dad and I every now and then have little freak outs because we're nervous. A few nights ago, Chelsea told me, "Josh - if you're committed to doing this, then your only allowed to say positive things from now on - no negative words. So, instead of saying your scared, say, 'Everything's going to be alright!' or 'God's going to take care of everything!'
My dad thought that was pretty wise. He started saying things like... 'Aah! My back feels great today!', meanwhile, we all know his back has been bothering him for many months now.
One thing dad hasn't lost is his sense of humour.
After the hospital, we came back to the hotel and spent some time chillin. Then, we met up with some friends for lunch. Around 1pm, we picked up Chels mom from the train station.
We didn't do much for the rest of the afternoon. We went out for dinner. We had a great convo with our waitress. She was blown away that I was donating a part of my liver. She was even more taken back when she found out that I hadn't had a drink of alcohol my entire life.
We've been at our new home in Toronto ever since about 6pm. Just watching TV... trying to preoccupy ourselves before bedtime.
Tomorrow morning, I think I'm going to be poppin' an Ativan (anxiety relief). Not sure exactly how much it will help, but I've been told countless times that it will make my morning go much smoother.
Go Ativan Go!
~
I can't believe this is happening.
4 comments:
Josh, Just wanted you to know I'm praying. Joshua 1:9 I will be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. I will not be afraid, neither will I be dismayed, for the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.Isaiah 41:13 The Lord my God holds my right hand; He is the Lord, Who says to me, Fear not;I will help you. Love Aunt Bev.
Josh and Chelsea,
We just wanted to let you know how much we love you both! Our prayers are with you for calm and faith in our Father. It's awesome, Josh, that you were given the prophetic scriptures all those years ago. Have faith, be strong and whatever else you do, take the pills, guys! Our thoughts will be with you too, Gail, as you wait with Chelsea.
Jim, Cherylyn and Chiara (and Jasmine -- a new cousin for Dolce)
Hey Brother,
So good to see you tonight, can't wait to steel Zelda DS from you, temporarily of course. Im in the dark and my neck is cramping! Im on the floor trying not to wake up Mom or Becky. lol
Apparently the stress of the situation has manifested itself in my eye lids blowing up like balloons. You'll have a good laugh lol...
Just wanted to put out there a different perspective on Fear.
My mind draws a blank on who this monk is, it could be a parable of the Buddha.. but it may not be. But he secluded himself to the mountains and meditated intensively daily. One day he came back to his cave and found demons playing with his personal belongings. After much effort to make them leave he gave up. He said, "I guess we will just have to learn to live together." Every demon suddenly vanished except one. This one was particularly viscous. He walked up to it and said, "Devour me.." And it disappeared.
When we have an itch, we itch it. When our leg is cramping, we move it quickly. When we have a headache we medicate. When we are mad we react. When we are sad, we react. When we are afraid, we too also react. When we react we feel like it will express and relieve our feelings. This is a very human pattern and centralizes itself around instant relief. But like symptom control, it doesn't get to the root source.
This dance we do with our demons comes at a price. It holds us from knowing ourselves and holds captive our essential nature. The process of taking in these demons and "learning to live with them" is a process we rarely initiate with ourselves. It is the process of Tonglen, in Buddhism. The Christian equivalent is the process of Reconciliation through Grace which transforms like in alchemy, any negative thought or feeling (Lead) into the best possible positive (Gold). Meditate and accept the fear, refusing only your instinctual habit to reject the fear. Watch it transform and reveal your basic wealth.
Breathe it in. Breathe in everything that has happened in the past 8 months. This is how Ive survived downtown alone with the situation, without anyone close by. Now let it out transformed... this is my personal family meditation or prayer for us I assembled when things got rough for me, should have shared it with you earlier: We breath in the experience of grief and loss that has come with change and endings and we breathe out release from and resolution of them. We breathe in the disappointments because of failed plans over the past 8 months and breathe out trust that things will work out for emotional, physical and spiritual progress. We breathe in the unfairness and injustice we and others are facing, and we breathe out courage to stand up to injustice and to act justly toward others while remaining nonretaliatory. We breathe in physical and psychological suffering and breathe out healing and serenity. We breathe in the hurt all humans feel when others are disloyal or unloving, and we breathe out love and loyalty.
One of our most vicious demons right now is fear. Let it devour you and watch it and watch our family transform.
Love you bro so much!
James
Joshy, It’s your lil sis Becks! Well… it is finally Dec. 15th, 2008, and it is approximately 7:30am and you have just left the waiting room cause they called your name!!! THEY CALLED YOUR NAME! Ah. I can’t believe this is all actually and finally happening. I am so proud of you, seeing that green ribbon on your jacket (representing that you’re officially a living donor) makes me so grateful I have such an amazing brother like you! Such an amazing person.. I can’t express that enough! Right now.. Mom, Gail, Aunt Patty, James, Brad and Rikki and I… we are all here chillin’ in the waiting room… pondering what is going on. I didn’t sleep a wink last night, I think I was the only one who didn‘t sleep. I was just so anxious, wanting today to happen but at the same time so frightened as to what today has for us. I decided to bring the laptop so I can write during the operation, considering you and dad will be done by 8pm. It is going to be a long day!
It has been a long time coming, 8 freakin’ months. I remember the day this all started, when I over heard dad saying foolish things to mom in the kitchen. I over heard him saying things like he felt like he wasn’t going to wake up one morning…blah blah blah. I instantly went into the kitchen and asked why he was talking such nonsense and he showed me his swollen feet and swollen legs, I had never seen anything like it. I insisted to take him to ER, so on we went. I remember dropping him off, he didn’t want me to wait with him, but all I wanted to do was be by his side.
Mom and dad were sure it was kidney failure, in denial dads liver was actually failing. Finding out he only had about two months to live broke my heart, but its lasted another 6 full months! It has been such a slow additional 6 months, in and out of work… Holding dad’s hand, feeding him, taking him on walks, encouraging him, being by his side every night thinking its going to be the last night we might spend with him.
It is funny how life has so many obstacles and so many events we don’t expect. I never imagined being in this situation. From big healthy Bri to a little hurting helpless boy. Its so difficult to see your parent hurt. Someone you’ve never seen cry, or be in so much pain. All you can do is hold their hand while they say they just want to give up and that they just don’t want to suffer anymore… and all I can say we’re going to get through this… when really I might lose him that moment. Hardest thing I have ever been through. It makes me wonder, there must be some sort of hell on Earth? I know it sounds silly but from what my dad’s gone through…liver failure? I mean, having half a liver that Josh is going to experience soon, one of the side effects are severe depression. I can’t even imagine how low my dad must feel mentally having absolutely no liver!!! Watching his illness physically attack him in such unimaginable ways for such a long time…I can’t handle it most of the time. No one deserves to live through something like this.
I love you Dad!
SO ..Chel just entered the waiting room! She left with Josh when his name got called. Chel just asked everyone to “come”, so all of us (including Allison who just showed up who is Chel‘s best friend) entered some doors and there is Josh!!! Lying on a hospital bed in a hospital gown saying his goodbyes to everyone…he looks so fearful, tears in his eyes.. I tried to hold the tears as usual but no wayyy… it wasn’t possible. So many emotions going through my head, I just ran up and gave him a hug, I didn‘t want to let go! Everyone said their goodbyes! My mom was upset she didn’t get one on one time with him before the surgery cause everything just happened so quick. My mom wanted to pray with him. My Aunt Patty made sure she prayed with him before he went in for the surgery. My Aunt Patty is a bold independent women, she made sure the prayer was said. My mom appreciated it so much, thanks Aunt Patty!
Also, seeing Chel beside my brother through this whole thing, such a great wife… it made me cry even more. I hope I have what you guys have one day! Random thought, I remember vaguely when I was little and I was attending youth group like way back in the day… I never knew who Chelsea was but I could never get my eyes off her cause she was SO freakin’ beautiful!!! AND Chel, I’m pretty sure you had brown hair back then and you looked just as beautiful as you do blonde!! ANYWAYS main point, I’m so happy you two are together, I love you guys so much! Josh, you have a gorgeous, caring wife and Chel you have a perfect husband. You may not think so but JOSH, why are you so perfect?
It is now time to go spend time with my dad before he goes into surgery. It may be the last couple hours I ever spend with him. So my mom, my brother James and I head up to see my dad. All he wants to do is brush his teeth when we enter the room. It seems as if his mouth is almost rotting and all he wants is his sencedine cause his mouth is in so much pain. Maybe the sencedine will give him little relief of the pain he‘s feeling. As my mom helps him brush his teeth my brother James steps out for a moment for a cigarette.
As I watch my mom, its so hard for me to understand, there is so much divorce in society these days, so many marriages broken….but for my mom, she may not have a choice but to lose my dad. Its not that they want it to end but it might have too. That’s one things that kills me the most.
My dad keeps asking my mom and I to just pray so my mom prayed and we all hold his hand. As we all cry in fear of the unknown, Chel enters the room with an ipod followed by Rikki and Allison. My brother Josh wrote dad a song for him to listen to before he goes into surgery. Chel puts the head phones on my dad… as my dad listens, he lies there for a moment and just began to wheep. Listening to Josh’s beautiful voice, just singing for him while Josh is already in surgery… This is one of the most beautiful most emotional moments I have ever experienced. As I hold dad’s hand, we cry together.
Now we are waiting in the ‘pre operative care unit’… my dad is going in for surgery in about an hour. He is trying to nap so he doesn’t have to think too much.
They are now both in surgery. It is 11am and I’m on my way back to the hotel to sleep a bit, I’m going to go crazy if I don’t get some sleep. So much on my mind…am I going to talk to my dad again? Am I going to have you back, Josh? What is going to happen? I need to sleep. I just don’t even want to think. I just want my dad and brother around and well for Christmas and for everything to just be OK!
I love you Dad! I love you Josh! God, be with them.
Post a Comment